Facts First

Yep, it's been a whole week. Saturday night I began barfing and didn't stop until Tuesday. I didn't want to get barf on my new laptop.

I officially started school this week. I have to admit, the homework and the new schedule could get in the way time to time of the blog. I will try hard to provide plenty of opportunities for you to get a dose of "feeling normal" as I continue to blog.

I decided to unofficially continue my series of "What Not To Do" since my brain continued to recall experiences long after the week was over.

However, I was heavily warned today. My sisters told me if I even blogged one time about them, they would start a blog only having to do with me.

Out of respect, I have decided to refrain from mentioning them in the blog but I will have you know it is not out of fear. Oh no! What would I be afraid of girls? I have already opened me and life up to laughter and criticism. What possibly could you say that would embarrass me? My whole life has been one big embarrassing moment! The entire premise of my blog is to make fun of...me.

If fact, it is such a grand time (making fun of me) that even I enjoy doing it.

Okay, back to things you should never do.

So my neighbor, her husband and I were outside talking one day. We were having a conversation about life in general. I was giving my opinion on something and used an analogy that I will never use again.

Unknowingly, when my neighbor's husband was five years old, he was hunting with some family members and got a hold of a gun and shot himself. The shot went straight down into his foot and shattered it. He used a prosthetic leg since the foot and lower leg never grew.

He was just telling me how nice it was that the kids were not on their bikes that day so he was not having to keep them out of the road and chase them down the street. He added that even if they asked, he was not going to let them get the bikes out.

So, one of the children came up and said they wanted to get the bikes out.

"I don't care..." he replied.

I laughed at him. "Geez Jeremy, what are you doing? You just shot yourself in the foot!"

He looked at me bewilderingly and turned to open the garage.

When he turned around, his wife threw a look and said, "Did you not know that he shot his leg off when he was little?"

Open mouth and insert foot (or prosthetic device) Amy, you idiot!

This was as brilliant as when I had told the doctors at the Christmas luncheon that the hospital had a "broader speculum" of issues to be addressed than the urgent care center did.

Disclaimer: please recall that I stated I was an Equal Opportunity Offender. I will make fun of anything. Life cannot always be serious people.....

A Week of What Not To Do - Saturday

Back when I was working at IHC, we had an annual two-day seminar for all of the Educators at Intermountain Healthcare. There were several hundred of us that attended each year.

We began the morning of the first day with a keynote guest speaker; usually the V.P. of Human Resources or a Member of the Board of Trustees. The mood was very quiet; reverent.

My team always sat together. There were about fifteen or so from my department that went. We were packed in a large auditorium and the rows were tight.

Now, I always pride myself in carrying a purse that contained basics but also a small first aid kit, a sewing kit, a snack, some toys, hundreds of pens, hand sanitizer, extra sox and underwear, etc. You now, typical woman stuff. It was like Mary Poppins. If someone needed something, chances are, I had it in my purse...and my friends knew it.

Somebody whispered, "Hey, ask Amy if she has nail clippers in her purse."

I nodded in agreement and began digging for my clippers. They were small and not used on a daily basis so I figured they would for sure be at the bottom.

I sloshed things back and forth moving the larger objects over and out of the way. It was dark in there and I couldn't see much but I could tell that I was pushing around several pens, some loose skittles or candy, coins, and various small objects as I kept digging for the clippers.

All the while, seven or eight people waited patiently for me to produce the clippers so they could pass them down the row.

And then.... the ends of my fingers jabbed into something cold and fleshy! I could feel it under my nails, slimy but somewhat grainy.

"What in the heck?" I thought.

My face made a sour and disgusted look. I froze in mid action and the on-lookers waited to see what was the matter.

Everyone saw as I pulled out my fingers with an orange-ish brown mush all over the ends of my hand.

They drew back.

I knew I had to pull it out, whatever it was so I gathered my gumption, reached my hand in and pulled out a totally moldy and rotten....peach!

The pregnant girl next to me looked like she was going to hurl.

It smelled so bad like fermentation. It had been punctured and torn by all of the sharp objects for who knows how long in the depths of my purse. Part of the seed was exposed on one side from a large blow. It was gnarly.

I found the clippers, they were slightly covered in moldy peach residue. My co-worker rescinded her request , however and suffered in silence with her hang nail.

The moral: never, ever, ever under any circumstance put fresh produce of any kind in your purse!


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A Week of What Not To Do - Friday

My fivc year old just lost her first tooth a few months back. She was so excited! She put her little tooth under her pillow before she went to bed.

I tried to make a mental note not to forget to take the tooth and leave the money. I have to admit there were a few times with Tye that I totally forgot to do the Toothfairy the first night he put his tooth under the pillow.

And well, guess what? We woke up the next morning and Erika and Tye ran back into her room to look under her pillow.

"Shoot!" I thought.

I forgot.

"I'm sorry Erika. It looks like you got the same retarded Toothfairy that I have. She always forgets." Tye said.

"Just leave it there and maybe she will come tonight..." he added.

I felt so bad.

I have been nervous all day. The Toothfairy is coming tonight. So...I set an appointment on my phone for tonight at midnight. That'll do it! Ha!

A Week of What Not To Do - Thursday

A Week of What Not To Do – Thursday

Christmas had come and gone and with it, brought the cutest ski jacket I had ever laid eyes on! Winter was in full force and we decided to go skiing.

Like any teenager, I was so excited. There would be fresh powder and lots of lots of boys!

The sun had been out and the forecast was sunny. I decided I wanted this to be a special day.

I had really wanted to try something new and I got the best idea. I would highlight my hair! I could just see it. It would look so cute on the slopes with my new ski attire.

So, I took a bottle of Sun In and sprayed it in perfect streaks framing my face. I turned the blow dryer on high and let it sit there. I could see the hair lightening. It took a long time as it went from black, the brown, the auburn, to orange to sunset orange and them lemon pudding yellow.

It was fabulous! And now that my hair was so light, I bet a fun color would actually show up nicely.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of food coloring we used when we make frosting and Easter eggs. That stuff wouldn’t come off hands for days!

I took a towel and blotted a large amount of red food coloring on the towel. Then I pinched the saturated towel on my hair and ran it down slowly until it reached the end.

Unbelievable! This was so cool!

Then I took the blue and did the same thing on the on the other side.

I finished my look with some curling, styling and lots of Aqua Net. I wanted this to hold all day.

I was ready to go!

The skiing was great. My sister Heather and I flirted big time with every boy would could. I even got a compliment on my funky hair from the ski lift operator.

I blushed.

Everything was perfect, until, it started to snow.

Little by little my hair dampened and beads of slushy wet snow started to drip down the ends of my hair and my bangs and ran down my face.

Anyway, I can’t talk about this anymore…..

A Week of What Not To Do - Wednesday

A Week of What Not To Do - Wednesday

Now this incident takes place much earlier than the previous ones, in fact a few years earlier.

One Sunday morning, I got in the shower to get ready for church.

I didn’t know why at the time but there was always Vaseline in our shower. I know now that it was there because one of my older sisters used it to take her eye make up off with it in the shower.

I just thought it had ended up there and lucky it did because I got the greatest idea ever for the cure of dull hair.

I took off the top of the Vaseline jar and swiped my fingers into the jelly. I began to apply the Vaseline to my freshly washed and conditioned hair. I smoothed it on. My hands glided so gracefully across my hair. I put on a little more for good measure and then let it sit for a few minutes to really penetrate the hair cuticles.

Then I washed it out, exited the shower and dried off. I towel-dried my hair and then got dressed. I went back in and ran a comb through my hair. I had taken so much time in the shower I had no time left to dry or style.

It would have to be a wash and go day.

Church was good and it was time to go home. I went back to the car.

My mom looked strangely at me. Her head tilted and her eyes squinted. As I got closer, she asked me, “How is it that your hair still wet after all this time sitting in church?”

“I don’t know…” I said. “I think it just looks wet because I made it shiny today.”

Actually, I found that my hair had the complete sleek wet look for several days, and weeks even after trying repeatedly to wash the Vaseline out. It wouldn’t wash out with hot water or with multiple washes.

Really, the only thing that got the Vaseline out of my hair was time. Lots and lots of time….!

Don’t touch that mouse! Tomorrow, we do….highlights! Oh yeah!

A Week of What Not To Do - Tuesday

Welcome to day two of my series "A Week of What Not To Do".

Okay, now that the eyebrows are shaped and the skin around them was burned and scarred so the hair would never grow there again (it was my plan all along, really), time to whiten my teeth! Sooooo excited for this! I really wanted pretty pearly whites.

So, I did what most teenagers on a tight budge who want whiter teeth do; I gargled with strait bleach for five minutes every day.

Cause…if you want something white, you bleach it.

It was painful, but after all, pain is beauty, right? After the second day, I began to develop open raw sores inside mouth. Not to mention the enamel was coming off my teeth and they were very sensitive, you know, to hot, cold, and just the air in general.

The sad thing was I really didn’t think they looked any whiter.

When I mentioned to sores to my mom from the bleach, she reacted hastily.

“What in the world?” she asked. “Didn’t you read the label and the warnings on the bottle first? What are you thinking?” she seemed annoyed.

She grabbed the bottle of bleach and began reading the entire warning section to me.

“..Avoid contact with the eyes, skin and mucous membrane!” she read aloud.

“So?” I said back. “I’m nineteen; I don’t even know what mucous membranes are!”

“That’s the inside of your mouth!” she snipped.

“Oh.” Was really all I could say.

So, at the request of my mother, I stopped whitening my teeth. Besides, it wasn’t really effective anyway….

Stay tuned…tomorrow, we talk about shiny hair!


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Series: A Week of What Not To Do - Monday

I'm kicking off my new series "A Week of What Not To Do"!

This will be especially helpful advice of things you should never, ever do! I know that you should not ever do these things because I am stupid enough to have done them and I am going to share them in hopes that you will learn a thing or two. (Do not try these at home)

The Home Spa Day~Item Not To Do Number One

Many years back, I decided I wanted to really pamper myself. I was about nineteen or twenty or so, in college and living at home this particular year.

I really wanted to improve my image, I guess. I didn't have money to even think about going to a real spa so I decided to make one...at home! Why not?

I looked in the mirror, made a few ideas in my head of what I had wanted to change and decided to tackle them right away.

First thing to go were my "Brook Shields on steroids" eyebrows. Now most of you that know me now are seeing me without my "Shields" brows. Actually, I can't even call them signature Brook Shields eyebrows because even when hers were large and bushy, they still looked really good compared to mine!

In fact, in high school, my best friends would ask me to do my caterpillar impression. This was a truly unique talent I had. I would take a piece of paper and hold it up just underneath my eyebrows so it looked like my eyebrows were two caterpillars standing on the paper.

Then, I would raise and lower my eyebrows at different intervals to make it look like two fury, bushy large black caterpillars were walking across the paper.

What a fabulous thing to be remembered by.

I thought it was time to put the caterpillars on a diet and really slim them down.

I grabbed the tweezers and pulled one single eyebrow out. Instantly, my eyes watered, and it stung so bad! I even actually had a pinpoint size dot of blood. The root of that eyebrow left a small hole where it had been.

I looked at the hundreds upon hundreds of eyebrows I had left to pluck and I couldn't' imagine doing it. On top of the pain, it would take forever!

There had to be better way........hmmmmm.....

Then, I got the best idea EVER!

NAIR!! Surely if it could take leg hair off without pain, what's a few eyebrows right?

So, I used a guide on how to shape your eyebrow and drew the lines on my forehead for a template.

Then I took a Q tip and ever-so-carefully applied the Nair to my skin making sure to stay in the lines. Voila!

Then I read the bottle of how long to leave it on and sat patiently on the toilet seat. I noticed about half of the way through that it was really starting to burn a little. I figured that was a good sign, that meant it was working.

The burning continued and I was very impatient for the time to come when I could wipe it off.

Now since my eyebrow hair seemed so much thicker than leg hair, I thought I should leave it on just a minute or two longer for good measure. We didn't want any stragglers.

The timer went off! I was so glad to start washing the stuff off. It was really hurting.

I took some toilet paper to wipe away the hair like the instructions said.

As I wiped away, I noticed quite a bit of hair. In fact, I could save it and start knitting sweaters for third world countries with it. Good, I thought. It worked like charm. The hair disintegrated. Most of it anyway.

Then I rinsed the rest of the Nair and hair off my face.

When I looked in the mirror, I noticed that where I had applied the Nair was so dark red it was almost purple. It hurt to the touch.

I put some moisturizer on went for an ice pack.

After a couple hours, the purple was darkening and hardening.

By the time I woke up the next morning, I had fully formed, very thick SCABS around my eyebrows where the Nair was applied.

Apparently, the skin around your eyes is the thinnest most delicate skin on your body and not a match for a bottle of chemicals!

I got to walk around for a good couple of weeks looking like a total freak! I couldn't even come up with a good-sounding lie about what to happened me.

I got used to people's jerk-back reaction when they honed in on my face.

It was humiliating. Take note, follow the directions on the bottle and don't home remedy.

Tomorrow, we talk teeth whitening!!!

Oh P.S. Y'all, the following item was found today behind the couch. Luckily, its location was identified before it had morphed into fruit leather and bred fruit flies!!!

Banana Exibit D

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