Too Cute

I have so much homework today so I don't have time to blog very much. But...I have to blog something cute. Erika has been singing all morning. This is normal, she takes after her mom. Here are two songs she has been singing:

"Three cheers for the red, white and blue. Hip hooray! ....oh the star MANGLED banner will forever remember, Three cheers for the red white and blue. Hip hooray!"

and...

"Oh my darlin, oh my darlin, oh my darlin Clemenstein...dreadful sorry Clemenstein."

I hope she never grows up!

Fallacies

In English this week, we are learning to identify fallacies in literature and text. You remember these: Bandwagon appeal, Straw man, slippery slope, post hoc, non-sequitur, etc.

This got me thinking...of my own fallacies. Here are a few:

1. Stretching the Truth Fallacy- This is where you anticipate that the same stretch marks you acquired with your first pregnancy would darken with your second pregnancy. No, you actually get a whole set of new ones! But nice try.

2. Adverse Re actus Fallacy- This is where you give Benadryl to your toddler for the airplane ride and find that instead of getting sleepy, it actually makes her very hyper. Other airplane passengers do not like this.


3. Felinus Reclinus Fallacy- As soon as you get comfortable on the couch or recliner (and you have the perfect view of the t.v.) the cat will always come sit right on you and block the view.


4. Pectis Erectis Fallacy-This is when you loose weight and your once full breasts become saggy and look like an orange in the bottom of a tube sock.

5. Loogie hoc Fallacy- This is where for some physiological reason, men's saliva differs from women's because they constantly have to spit everywhere they go. . . and we don't.

6. You've Freakin Gotta Be Kidding Me Fallacy- This is when you painstakingly spend all week to find a sitter so you can have a night away from the crying babies. You nestle comfortably in your seat at the theatre with your extra-buttered popcorn just as a couple walks in with their infant carrier seat and fussy infant.

7. Private Pee-er Fallacy- This is where you are the only one in the bathroom and somebody comes in and chooses the stall right next to yours when there were ten others to choose from. (Men have silent stall code for this problem, can't we ladies?)


8. Intrusion Fallacy- Similar to the Private Pee-er Fallacy but when you are the only ones in a restaurant enjoying the privacy and somebody chooses to sit right on top you.

9. Straw Baby Fallacy- Similar to the Straw Man Fallacy of shifting the blame or finding a scape goat only it is when you use your baby or small child as the straw man for your own bodily functions in public. "Johnny, say excuse me!"

10. Manipulation Aggregation- This is when you tell your children that the devil drives the ice cream truck so you don't have to be harassed for money all summer long.


Dedicated to Professor R. Branch and the English Composition Class

Conclusions

Today, Amy found that the anatomical term "weenis" wasn't as hilariously funny to the other forty-nine students in class as is what to her.

Today, Erika found a rather constructive way to tell her mother that in spite of hurting her feelings, her new glasses didn't make her beautiful like she was before and she should stop wearing them.

Today, Tye got a subtle reminder to always look in front of him while going full-speed ahead on his bike.

Today, Dad found that the children have no problem interrupting his bedtime story to declare that mom is by far the better reader and he has been fired from the position...mid-sentence.

Dreaming in Coefficients

I started nursing school on the 17th. Wow! My free time is "no more". I have not been able to blog much but don't give up on me.

I had a breakdown in my math class on Monday. It was nice, I cried in class. And we're not even into the really hard stuff yet.

I was venting over dinner about all of my homework and my upcoming tests to which my son replied," I don't even want to hear you complaining Mom. I HAVE to go to second grade, but you signed your own self up for school."

It was a needed perspective. Indeed I did. And I have wanted to go back to school for such a long time. I really am grateful.

I love to learn and I am learning a lot! In fact my dreams have been very vivid and very enlightening; somehow piecing together concepts from class mixed with my everyday life like a covelant bond.

Last week was a blur. I did have one day that was especially bad. I will spare you all the details but it ended up with gushing blood from a deep four-puncture cat bite. By the next morning it looked like I had a softball under my skin on my forearm and the red infection was already streaking toward my heart. I got a shot and some antibiotics. It is getting better and I am "public worthy" now.

That night I dreamt my cat was dressed in a vampire suit lunging over me while I slept.

.

Facts First

Yep, it's been a whole week. Saturday night I began barfing and didn't stop until Tuesday. I didn't want to get barf on my new laptop.

I officially started school this week. I have to admit, the homework and the new schedule could get in the way time to time of the blog. I will try hard to provide plenty of opportunities for you to get a dose of "feeling normal" as I continue to blog.

I decided to unofficially continue my series of "What Not To Do" since my brain continued to recall experiences long after the week was over.

However, I was heavily warned today. My sisters told me if I even blogged one time about them, they would start a blog only having to do with me.

Out of respect, I have decided to refrain from mentioning them in the blog but I will have you know it is not out of fear. Oh no! What would I be afraid of girls? I have already opened me and life up to laughter and criticism. What possibly could you say that would embarrass me? My whole life has been one big embarrassing moment! The entire premise of my blog is to make fun of...me.

If fact, it is such a grand time (making fun of me) that even I enjoy doing it.

Okay, back to things you should never do.

So my neighbor, her husband and I were outside talking one day. We were having a conversation about life in general. I was giving my opinion on something and used an analogy that I will never use again.

Unknowingly, when my neighbor's husband was five years old, he was hunting with some family members and got a hold of a gun and shot himself. The shot went straight down into his foot and shattered it. He used a prosthetic leg since the foot and lower leg never grew.

He was just telling me how nice it was that the kids were not on their bikes that day so he was not having to keep them out of the road and chase them down the street. He added that even if they asked, he was not going to let them get the bikes out.

So, one of the children came up and said they wanted to get the bikes out.

"I don't care..." he replied.

I laughed at him. "Geez Jeremy, what are you doing? You just shot yourself in the foot!"

He looked at me bewilderingly and turned to open the garage.

When he turned around, his wife threw a look and said, "Did you not know that he shot his leg off when he was little?"

Open mouth and insert foot (or prosthetic device) Amy, you idiot!

This was as brilliant as when I had told the doctors at the Christmas luncheon that the hospital had a "broader speculum" of issues to be addressed than the urgent care center did.

Disclaimer: please recall that I stated I was an Equal Opportunity Offender. I will make fun of anything. Life cannot always be serious people.....

A Week of What Not To Do - Saturday

Back when I was working at IHC, we had an annual two-day seminar for all of the Educators at Intermountain Healthcare. There were several hundred of us that attended each year.

We began the morning of the first day with a keynote guest speaker; usually the V.P. of Human Resources or a Member of the Board of Trustees. The mood was very quiet; reverent.

My team always sat together. There were about fifteen or so from my department that went. We were packed in a large auditorium and the rows were tight.

Now, I always pride myself in carrying a purse that contained basics but also a small first aid kit, a sewing kit, a snack, some toys, hundreds of pens, hand sanitizer, extra sox and underwear, etc. You now, typical woman stuff. It was like Mary Poppins. If someone needed something, chances are, I had it in my purse...and my friends knew it.

Somebody whispered, "Hey, ask Amy if she has nail clippers in her purse."

I nodded in agreement and began digging for my clippers. They were small and not used on a daily basis so I figured they would for sure be at the bottom.

I sloshed things back and forth moving the larger objects over and out of the way. It was dark in there and I couldn't see much but I could tell that I was pushing around several pens, some loose skittles or candy, coins, and various small objects as I kept digging for the clippers.

All the while, seven or eight people waited patiently for me to produce the clippers so they could pass them down the row.

And then.... the ends of my fingers jabbed into something cold and fleshy! I could feel it under my nails, slimy but somewhat grainy.

"What in the heck?" I thought.

My face made a sour and disgusted look. I froze in mid action and the on-lookers waited to see what was the matter.

Everyone saw as I pulled out my fingers with an orange-ish brown mush all over the ends of my hand.

They drew back.

I knew I had to pull it out, whatever it was so I gathered my gumption, reached my hand in and pulled out a totally moldy and rotten....peach!

The pregnant girl next to me looked like she was going to hurl.

It smelled so bad like fermentation. It had been punctured and torn by all of the sharp objects for who knows how long in the depths of my purse. Part of the seed was exposed on one side from a large blow. It was gnarly.

I found the clippers, they were slightly covered in moldy peach residue. My co-worker rescinded her request , however and suffered in silence with her hang nail.

The moral: never, ever, ever under any circumstance put fresh produce of any kind in your purse!


.

A Week of What Not To Do - Friday

My fivc year old just lost her first tooth a few months back. She was so excited! She put her little tooth under her pillow before she went to bed.

I tried to make a mental note not to forget to take the tooth and leave the money. I have to admit there were a few times with Tye that I totally forgot to do the Toothfairy the first night he put his tooth under the pillow.

And well, guess what? We woke up the next morning and Erika and Tye ran back into her room to look under her pillow.

"Shoot!" I thought.

I forgot.

"I'm sorry Erika. It looks like you got the same retarded Toothfairy that I have. She always forgets." Tye said.

"Just leave it there and maybe she will come tonight..." he added.

I felt so bad.

I have been nervous all day. The Toothfairy is coming tonight. So...I set an appointment on my phone for tonight at midnight. That'll do it! Ha!